I do not want to write about what is on my mind.
I want to paint pictures of sunny days, flowers in full bloom,
Warm breezes, fuzzy feelings.
I do not want to be honest about what I'm feeling.
What I am feeling is a bottomless well of grief.
If I shared all the grief in my lungs, bones, muscles and heart
It would fill the room, no matter how large or small,
It would fill it.
I'm not sure you can swim in my grief.
I'm not sure I can swim in my grief.
The ocean surrounded by fire
That is my heart.
I don't want to share this. I want to share beautiful things.
Lovely things that make the world a better place.
Not sadness of loss, of my own and others'.
I don't want to open my heart to you.
I'm not cold or shy.
I'm not heartless or strong.
I'm terrified the contents of my heart are toxic.
I'm stuck in the fear
Fear that what my heart holds
Let me tell you lovely tales of survival,
All the lovely things that make you want to be around me.
Let me show you only my smile.
My lovely smile that everyone says is contagious.
Please let me just show you that smile
Smile and eyes that are so good at reflecting back goodness.