Hope Frozen

Today I tossed 7 little plastic bottles of hope into the dumpster.

7 frosted-over vials of love and wishes
breast milk for a baby who will never drink it

little labels with cartoon elephants
marked 2:50 AM

mom's sleepless night
dad's shift at the NICU

7 little containers holding so many possible futures gone

my hands are still cold despite hugs and words unspoken 
there are no words that heal the loss that leaves 7 little bottles frozen.

Spring Again

Rain stipples the sidewalk around me.

Gentle scents of daphne, hyacinth,

Evergreen clematis like jasmine. 

Breath of warmed soil startled awake.

Inner Silence

Hush my dear one
Like the sound of wind caressing green leaves. 


You cannot lead through violence,
Threats
Anger. 


You cannot force your will upon me. 
I refuse and grow rigid, defiant
and we both lose. 


Hush my dear one
Like the sound of wind caressing green leaves
I will comfort you. 


Your words cut like knives through me, my own 
self-inflicted pain 
Seep slowly through fibers of flesh and spirit  
Slow poison. 


Hush my dear one
Like the sound of wind caressing green leaves. 


                                Hush 


I will hold you
You are loved 


                                 You are loved. 

Falling Away

Under tiny needles
I am drawn deeper into myself.
Deep enough to fall away beyond myself.

I am not under the tree of light today, sitting still while waves lap on shores around me.
I am the light.

We are an innumerable collection of lights,
Of energy. Moving while still.
Individually collective.

Thanksgiving

As the last of fall leaves the trees,
As rain soaks into every pore of every inch of bark,
As the moss renews its strength and the wind turns southward,
I say a silent "thank you" to the walls of my home that hold in the warmth of the people within them.

Meow

Push, pull, the heels dig in, pushing back

The hands push forward and down

Pushing through fields of words

Through fields of who I think I am and who I am not. 

Treading waves of time

An attempt at an immortal "Ungh." 

A soft plop that is a child of mine

Slipping from between me

For you

Some creation of mine

That is also me

That can be yours

But I need to keep it safe, 

Keep it locked between the folds of 

Who I am

Who I want to be

That's not me

That's between us

Secrets that are intimately yours, mine, ours

That they validate

They stamp with approval

That we don't need 

And that we do need. 

A labor of my guts, my womb, 

My hands and my intellect. 

A child that cries into your arms

That leaps from me

While clawing it's way through me

Into me

From me

Exquisitely me

Delicious and bile

And ephemerally heavy

Without form

Without function

Without your approval

With your approval please

I yearn for you to embrace it

To embrace me. 

To share with you is to understand

Myself. 

To show you the dreams of a child

Alone in her closet

With her fears

Her mistrust

To block out the noise

To find that place within that feels solid

That doesn't exist

But has a voice

That asks for you to hear 

What you can't hear

What you can't see

What you can't feel

But leaves its impression on your hands

Heavy with guilt, love, the ecstasy of finding that inner place. 

Late

Night
Late
Sleep just ahead of me,
Ever ahead of me,
On the horizon
Out of reach
Out of step with me.

Trying to catch up keeps me awake,
keeps me up, reaching forward.

If I could just stop to let it catch up.